I.T. work and delusional customer requests

Sometimes people make some wild requests and get mad at you when you try and be rational with them.

Weird request:
customer: Yeah I want a computer that is a computer but not a computer but not a tablet because I don’t like them and I have enough laptops.
Me: I believe I am capable of providing you with what you require can you give a bit more detail?
customer: Sure. I want a computer that is there but you don’t see it and it able to do everything I need.
Me: Sure we can hide your computer like in a closet or something. What types of duties will this computer do that you need done?
customer: Everything.
Me: that sounds like you are very busy. Let me pass this on to our builders and I will get back to you with a quote.

Never call them back.

Email request
customer: I want my email to synch with everything.
Me: Everything? like what?
customer: Everything. and I want everything on my website to synch with my cell phone
Me: well that would be quite stressful on your battery
customer: So you are saying you can’t do it?
Me: no not saying that at all. Can you give me a list of things on your website you want to synch with your phone? I can start an RSS feed for you right away
customer: you know, the office alarm, excell,photoshop. Things of that nature
Me: you have photoshop on your website? That is quite impressive. How big is your phone???

Website request
customer: I want Microsoft exchange type service but not Microsoft exchange because it is too costly
Me: well there are plenty of open source solutions that should be less costly. What features in particular are you looking for?
customer: All of them. I want my calendar to sync with my phone email and my contacts to sync with my phone contacts
Me: well you don’t want your phone and email contacts to sync because that would be a lot of names to weed through
customer: oh so you’re saying you can’t do it? XXX company could do it.
me: well that’s not what I said sure I’ll get started right away.
several days later
customer: Hey why are there so many contacts in my phone now?
Me:……….

Virus Hunter
Me: I’ve had to disable your email from the server end while I scan your computer and the server to find out why you keep sending out so many email
customer: That’s fine, I will just send emails from my phone
Me: Well no, your account is disabled.
customer: I never gave you access to my phone, so I can still use it right? There shouldn’t be a virus on it, it’s an iPhone and I only surf using Chrome.
Me: Well that sounds safe enough…..

Every issue ever
customer: This never happens, I’m careful.

Password Persuasion
(over the phone)
Customer: Hey I.T. IT!!! HEY IT!! What did you change my password to?
Me: PassWord1 P is capitalized W is capitalized.
Customer: ok hang on the phone while I check
Me: That’s your password. it has no choice but to work
Customer: p-a-s-s-w-o-r-d-1-P-W
Me: no….. Hang on… I’m on my way…..

I Worked With Walmart

It’s been a few years since I worked at Walmart. Wasn’t the most pleasant time in my life, but it was better to have weird brainwashed job than have no job. So I tried to stick it out.
I made it about 8 months I think.
While I was working at Walmart, I had a few experiences I didn’t count on.

What I noticed while working at Walmart:

Lawyer Bait
There are a lot of people willing to get an employee fired so they can sue Walmart. Even the other employees. Once when I was pulling a pallet stacked about 7 feet high, a lady stepped in front of me and just stood there, and every time I tried to get her attention she would turn away from me. I noticed a weird tugging, which I assumed was another employee pushing (sometimes if someone has a heavy load, the person pulling a pallet behind them will extend body weight to help push). So I lowered the jack to walk around and tell him to hold up. I get back there and there was a customer trying to pull my stacked pallet down onto herself.

Mass management
There are way too many cooks in the kitchen
If the highest up manager tells you to do something, all of the managers down the line will try and get you to do something else. This will get you in trouble, not the trickle down managers. If you work harder and get both things solved, the higher manager knows which manager was in charge of that extra duty and gives them credit for it. Not you.

Insurance
Insurance used to be great back then. People I know that are there now say it is bad. Very bad.

Manager’s Holiday
Like all retail…. All managers get every holiday off not the employees.

Retailionaires
Managers try to project the image that they are doing well. So they show up with big gold necklaces, break themselves with some extravagant car they can’t afford to finance. Yeah nice Mercedes. Or Lexus or whatever. You can always tell which managers make the least and which make the most by the amount of jewelery they wear to work.

Celebrations
one thing for sure, Walmart does a great job on celebrating. but it is humdrum and you get treated like you are in the food line at the shelter. With a smile.

Thieves
Yes the cashiers get treated like thieves. Cameras everywhere. but truth is, there was a need for the cameras.

The great creators
For some reason Walmart managers tell their employees that walmart made everything.They mention it once. then a week or so later they will mention it again. it’s always something different. Fishing lures, trailer hitches blah blah.

Don’t talk to the old ones
Don’t talk to the employees who have been there the longest. They are the ones who convince everyone else to quit. There is a reason why they have been there the longest.

Don’t park up front
Park far away from the doors but in view of the Walmart invented security cameras. Park too close up front ands you will come back to your car looking dimply like an orange.

Morning Commute

iworkwithTime to start the day.
You have played your battle of wits and nerves with the alarm clock and it’s glitch called the “snooze button”. You realize that if you did it too long, the alarm clock will just give up and you … well you the victor are now the idiot who is running late to work.

  • Pants? check
  • Shirt? Check
  • Socks? They don’t match but your feet will be warm, Check.
  • Feed the cat.. can’t forget to feed the cat
  • Car keys? Check
  • Laptop bag? Check
  • Grab your morning coffee? Check

 

and Away we go.
First thing you notice is the neighbor across the street has guests over and they are parked in the street, making your morning back up, a bit of a task. No problem, I’ve got this. Nope… okay pull up a little and turn the wheel now back up while turning wheel the other way (and repeat).
You pull to the end of the street and stop at the stop sign and wait for the cars to pass, so you sip your coffee. Bitter but after a couple of sips you normally begin to enjoy it. Okay your break is coming up. After this car. Why is he slowing down? Is he turning? no… He’s going.. .. awe man, he’s going to stop right in fricken front of you. If the crazy guy on the corner would cut those stupid bushes you would see that there is a long line, waiting on the red light that never sympathizes. Well okay. Another sip of that dang coffee. Probably not enough time to change the radio or flick around facebook on the phone, so just sip that coffee. Oh good they’re moving now, but here comes a new herd of “back of the neighborhood cattle”, just in time to park in front of you again. That’s fine just back up before this guy coming down the road blocks you in, you can always leave at the other end of the street. You turn around and look in your mirror. The guy never even stopped at the sign. They just let him shoot right through.
Okay, on the main road now.
Three open lanes Nice plush ride in the dark. Woo hoo. I’ll just move over one lane for this guy that just pulled out. Plenty of road for both of us. Nope he’s a racer. Why is this guy speeding up? Okay I will slow down and set cruise control and let this guy go. Must be in a hurry or something.Hmm. Wonder why he decided to slow down and ride right next to me. Maybe something’s wrong with my car and he’s over there freaking out trying to get my attention. Better turn down the radio and stare at the gauges for a second. Just a tad too dark out to see anything going on in that car, but really. I don’t see any smoke in my rear view, no extra sounds from the car. Gauges look the same as the other days. What the heck? What’s that glow in his car? Oh… He’s texting and staying next to me to maintain speed. Nice.
STOMP ON BRAKES!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHA. Freaked that one out..

On with the show.

Make it to the freeway, see every SUV in the city gathered together making wall of slow fat vehicles preventing people from doing 5 over the speed limit of greater. Well okay.. one more suv.. he must really want to get with the heard of little fat men and soccer moms because he sure is ridding my bumper.
Just a mile to go before interchange to move to the toll-road for the commute. And traffic is slowed to a crawl. 10 minutes go by and you have passed the NOTHING what-so-ever that was slowing traffic down. Whatever. but why every single day/ why is it such a confusing task to move from freeway to toll road?

Get to toll booth after a few sips between roll forward, stop roll forwards, and toss change in the machine and roll on. Now comes the “first” race to get a lane as the road merges together. Cool now coming up on the section where the  road opens up to 6 lanes. Time to pass this new heard of SUVs  cluttered together.

Now you wonder if you should get off the tollroad before the next interchange and work your way through the neighborhoods to the spot you need, or go past then exit and u-turn. Screw u-turns.

Now is about the time you remember your lunch sitting on the counter thawing out . Well the cat’s going to eat well today.

Man, this side of the city, the right turn lane doesn’t mean anything here.
Stop in the store right before the office, and grab your breakfast pastry and redbull or rockstar or monster or whatever it is you drink  just before lunch to give yourself jitters. walk up to pay and notice that you are 15 people back. Seems the local lawn care crew is there in 4 trucks.  Seriously, a bunch of dudes under 5’7″ should not be wearing light blue shirts with white writing. and yes the guy with the white beard really makes you wish one was a blond girl. Man I want to buy these guys white hats.
Finally leaving the store 2 minutes from the office and already 7 minutes late.
And someone let the herd out. Jeez. Stores should be further away from red lights.

Made it to the office, worked way through crowd of people who you work with but will never know but for some reason they always stand RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR to talk in the mornings. Start coffee because none of these people feel like they are allowed to, or just can’t figure out water and crush black stuff.

Half way through eating your breakfast pastry you finally take a look to see why it tastes so weird.

Okay day is off to a great start. It’s better than yesterday at least.

How we Miss life trying to win at life

I was in a Dollar store earlier. and this big fat dude who had the look of an obese doctor with baby soft skin, breathing heavy when he talked, said to this other guy who looked like he was in construction, fit and toned with rough sun beat skin , the fat guy said and I quote,
“Work smart, not hard”.

Then he smiled and winked some weird grin of “ha?? you get it?? I passed on wonderful advice, sound advice. Worship me”.

I leaned in and looked at the man’s belly and said “with how you are breathing, you clearly misunderstand the word ‘smart’ “.

See the point here is that the guy who is out of shape, gets to enjoy nothing, except sitting on his butt all day. Sure he has more money than the guy who works construction. But his life is no match for the healthy skinnier guy.

I am sure the doctor is reading all of these book and studies on how to raise healthy children, but ten to one says his kids are obese also, and going to have health issues like heart problems and diabetes.

While the guy who works construction might not be able to pay for certain things like cool shoes cool clothes and cool cars, but why are those things important?

What’s important is food air and shelter. Everything else is how you decorate those items. Decorations change with trends, trends force you to make changes that earlier you wouldn’t have done

How long you live to experience your life, matters also.
What you do as experiences, matters also.

I would rather be a broke man climbing in a tree to see if I can see the skycrapers of my city, than a rich man in a wheelchair in Hawaii, simply because I’m too fat to walk.

See the part we are missing here, is for generations, humans worked for what they wanted. Working hard was a badge of honor. You worked hard every day, or you got nothing. That work, is what kept our ancestors strong. but now we decide to say “work smart not hard” and think getting a gym membership will solve everything.

Wrong. It’s a membership and at any time you can refuse to go. You can cancel your membership. Yeah there is a monetary penalty for canceling but you won’t care. It’s your money and your body.

So now you make more money than the guy in shape and you spend more money on getting in shape. Don’t forget, more time. Time is a matter here. Your kids never see you . Work – Gym – sleep. Occasionally take a vacation and sit somewhere getting pushed around in a wheel chair. Get massages and sit in a hot tub. 30 yards from the beach where poor people are surfing and having fun and enjoying life.

Now the real question is:

Why does the man with the laziest job get the most pay, while the man with the most active body using labor, get the least pay? Which one is doing the job that most people would rather not do ? Shouldn’t the job that no one wants to do, be worth more than the job that everyone wants to do ?

The reality of this is amazing. How our standards are skewed by our own desire to fit in.

Work Place Pretty

pretty_at_work_only
pretty at work only

Elemental pretty. It’s that state of sexy that a woman becomes when she is the prettiest person with in a small throwing distance.

Back in 1998-1999 I worked for a Wal~Mart in Spring Texas. It was the worst time of my life. I mean the work was nothing, I just had sunk to the lowest in my life. I was working for some $9 an hour chump with a superiority complex, who worked for some $11 an hour woman who tried to push herself off as some executive queen. Meanwhile she was getting people raises that didn’t deserve them, and giving special attention to the two laziest, employees in the business. One of them was a fairly nice guy, the other was apparently hurt in some accident. He was cross eyed really bad, and would point with his index finger and pinky, pointing in separate directions. Not a good idea to ask him where things go. They were both dumb and worthless. They carried a walkie and could be found in the storage area at anytime (if not in the break room) Sitting somewhere telling stories to each other. The walky was for warnings when someone above the manager (who favored them) was walking into the building.

There was one girl that all of the Eminem bleach haired overnight suburban white gangsters had fallen in love with. She worked our electronics section of our Wal~Mart. I wasn’t particular entertained by much about her. She had a hairy face, and the blue contacts looked gray on her brown eyes, it was kind of dumb looking. But one day I decided I would give it a go. Maybe to show the “Pimps”  (all of the pale kids who wanted to sound more Gangsta) how a man entertains a woman.  as I walked up to her, I found myself thinking “WTF are you doing??? She works at wal~mart and is not attractive at all” and lost my nerve. I stood in front of her and said “um-uh”. So….. now she thinks she is so dang pretty, she made me crumble. She rolled her contacts and flipped her hair and walked away laughing. I stood there….. dumb. Lost for words. I didn’t want to be the lesser person and tell her why I was about to do what I failed at.

Now anyone who knows me, knows that I like computers. Electronics is where the computers are. In those days, I was making my $5.50 an hour and wishing I could save money for a video card for my lump of junk computer. The video card was on the top shelf in the back of the electronics department. I kept walking back there when no one was around, and would push the video card back behind other products, because… well.. one day I was going to have the extra $90 to buy it. I was always scared that wal~mart would stop carrying computer parts, since they seemed to never sell anything except cd cases from the computer area. So I would hide the video card.

Well a couple times I would come back out of there, and there she is. Me looking like I just did something sneaky, gave the sneaky vibe. To her, it was a creepy vibe. Well one day I decided I would offer an apology  and bring her a flower.  Well that wasn’t rational thinking. Rumors and an overblown ego, now she reported me to the manager. Crap!!!

I quit that job the next week.

I did buy that video card. It was junk.

Look. Don’t hit on the girl at work. If she isn’t hitting on you, don’t hit on her. She isn’t interested. If you throw an unwarranted flirt out to someone who is not interested, you are not going to have good results. On top of that, she is only pretty with in a small vicinity.  Find someone outside of the work place who is interested in you. I promise that the ugliest you can find outside of the work place, will be prettier than what you find with in the work place. Especially if it’s wal~mart.
Understand that being pretty only at work, is going to be ugly outside of work. You hit on her while you work, you are going to hate it when you get her alone away from work. When you change the element and she is no longer pretty, you are going to treat her that way (eventually) and that will make for a rough time when you do get back into the work environment.

So DON’T do it!

How To Increase Your Income

How to Increase your Salary
How to Increase your Salary

There are many ways to increase your income. There are many ways to try that are fruitless. but there are ways to increase your income by small or large increments. Any increase is good. Unless it involves more effort than value.

I have tried many ways to increase my income and found only a few that actually worked.

You can try many ways to increase your income, but you have to consider the level on investment you make into your quest for money and way it against the value of the growth.
You can not work for a year on a project and only make pennies a day. It would just not be worth your effort.

One thing I have found, is to have fun with it. If it isn’t fun, then it isn’t worth the effort.

Just another day late to work

Go figure. I see a long line waiting for the red light. Can’t see around the huge monstrosity of a gas guzzler vehicle in front of me, I am far left. Some guy wants in from the middle lane. He of course is in a massive vehicle that has a super slow take off.
Traffic in my lane starts cruising. I get up and see there was an accident, tow trucks and police everywhere. My lane is wide open. Officer steps in my way and tells me to stop.
I am the first to have to wait until the pick up truck, wedged between two polls is pulled out. Sad thing is. He was pushed into there by another vehicle that is already on a flatbed tow truck.
I was running early. Turned out. I was ten minutes late.

Foreman Confidence

You ever notice that when someone is allowed to control the way other people handle actions, they suddenly think of themselves as being a bit more invincible? Like when you watch those top model shows. You see these flaming tacky gay guys who dress as gaudy and horrible as possible with neon hair garter belts over their overalls with their socks on the outside, being rude to these beautiful models yelling at them and convincing them they know beauty better than the ladies. We all know the guys got the job because they are friends with someone. Clearly. So do the potential models. but to get to where they need to be, they treat these dudes like everything they say is the holy water that saves them.
Well a manager in a burger place can be the same thing to the people who have to work under their command. The manager at a gas station usually is that way. We all know that the person who usually gets elected to management or anywhere out of the role of the working employee, usually is the one who was worse at the job than anyone. They are a friend of someone who sees them “struggling” so the friend offers them help and sticks them in a position that a monkey can do “sit here, put on your meany face and tell them no when they ask for anything”.

Well I have noticed that while working in an office for a company that has a few managers that come and go out of the office, managers who are over specific fields in the industry, they will actually put on their “look at me, this is my meany face, don’t make me put on my tough guy face” expressions no matter what you say to them. It’s at that point I would like to trip the asshat, Tea bag with a slightly winded double dip and inform them that I do not work for them and they do not work for me and we do not work in the same field, so breaking them would quite entertaining and give me plenty to laugh about for the next few days.

Foreman Confidence – False Sense of Pride. There are other methods that work. The latter is for the small minded fool who is too ignorant to try other methods until something works.
Well to help you people make it to a better management time and  smoother class of employees in a work atmosphere that exceeds your current experience, the magic word for you is , “Morale”.  Morale can go a very long way. Eject anyone who breaks morale, and you now have respect. Simple as that. No threats. No stupid faces. Just increase morale to increase productivity. If one person steps away from or tries to deflect Morale, you eject them. If someone breaks productivity, you eject them. You replace them. High Morale means High respect and desire to keep everyone happy and leads to good productivity. Bad or low productivity is a direct reflection of low morale. FYI incintives do not create morale unless the incentives are produced by fellow employees. Incentives introduced by management turn into compensation or a form of wage, probably best not to even consider a leather jacket lotto.

I do understand that some employees will try and hard ball their way into not having to work. This in turn pretty much treats the manager like a punk. Again, it’s just a bluff. Just like the manager, it’s just a bluff. They both don’t want anything to come of them being a jerk, other than intended plans. Everything else would be beyond their expectations. I have no idea why anyone does either. Does it make this little three minute window, a tad bit better? Do you know that might be upsetting someone else? Do you live you life thinking no one ever flies off the handle that the jails are only full of bad people and never provoked people? “Doubt” is the fools science. but then again. by the odds, it’s one in every 3000, at best that snap and just break the office jerk. Or at least try.

Just something I noticed about people in charge in the office, in the field and in retail. There is this false sense of pride thing that says if you act like a jerk, people under your watch will respect you.

How do you handle this person at work? what do you do to make this person in your work place stop making your job suck so bad? Without trying to act tougher than you are, or without acting tough to someone who does not even want to try and be that way towards you? Would it be wise to let them know how you feel about their actions? They probably wouldn’t believe you.