Morning Commute

iworkwithTime to start the day.
You have played your battle of wits and nerves with the alarm clock and it’s glitch called the “snooze button”. You realize that if you did it too long, the alarm clock will just give up and you … well you the victor are now the idiot who is running late to work.

  • Pants? check
  • Shirt? Check
  • Socks? They don’t match but your feet will be warm, Check.
  • Feed the cat.. can’t forget to feed the cat
  • Car keys? Check
  • Laptop bag? Check
  • Grab your morning coffee? Check

 

and Away we go.
First thing you notice is the neighbor across the street has guests over and they are parked in the street, making your morning back up, a bit of a task. No problem, I’ve got this. Nope… okay pull up a little and turn the wheel now back up while turning wheel the other way (and repeat).
You pull to the end of the street and stop at the stop sign and wait for the cars to pass, so you sip your coffee. Bitter but after a couple of sips you normally begin to enjoy it. Okay your break is coming up. After this car. Why is he slowing down? Is he turning? no… He’s going.. .. awe man, he’s going to stop right in fricken front of you. If the crazy guy on the corner would cut those stupid bushes you would see that there is a long line, waiting on the red light that never sympathizes. Well okay. Another sip of that dang coffee. Probably not enough time to change the radio or flick around facebook on the phone, so just sip that coffee. Oh good they’re moving now, but here comes a new herd of “back of the neighborhood cattle”, just in time to park in front of you again. That’s fine just back up before this guy coming down the road blocks you in, you can always leave at the other end of the street. You turn around and look in your mirror. The guy never even stopped at the sign. They just let him shoot right through.
Okay, on the main road now.
Three open lanes Nice plush ride in the dark. Woo hoo. I’ll just move over one lane for this guy that just pulled out. Plenty of road for both of us. Nope he’s a racer. Why is this guy speeding up? Okay I will slow down and set cruise control and let this guy go. Must be in a hurry or something.Hmm. Wonder why he decided to slow down and ride right next to me. Maybe something’s wrong with my car and he’s over there freaking out trying to get my attention. Better turn down the radio and stare at the gauges for a second. Just a tad too dark out to see anything going on in that car, but really. I don’t see any smoke in my rear view, no extra sounds from the car. Gauges look the same as the other days. What the heck? What’s that glow in his car? Oh… He’s texting and staying next to me to maintain speed. Nice.
STOMP ON BRAKES!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHA. Freaked that one out..

On with the show.

Make it to the freeway, see every SUV in the city gathered together making wall of slow fat vehicles preventing people from doing 5 over the speed limit of greater. Well okay.. one more suv.. he must really want to get with the heard of little fat men and soccer moms because he sure is ridding my bumper.
Just a mile to go before interchange to move to the toll-road for the commute. And traffic is slowed to a crawl. 10 minutes go by and you have passed the NOTHING what-so-ever that was slowing traffic down. Whatever. but why every single day/ why is it such a confusing task to move from freeway to toll road?

Get to toll booth after a few sips between roll forward, stop roll forwards, and toss change in the machine and roll on. Now comes the “first” race to get a lane as the road merges together. Cool now coming up on the section where the  road opens up to 6 lanes. Time to pass this new heard of SUVs  cluttered together.

Now you wonder if you should get off the tollroad before the next interchange and work your way through the neighborhoods to the spot you need, or go past then exit and u-turn. Screw u-turns.

Now is about the time you remember your lunch sitting on the counter thawing out . Well the cat’s going to eat well today.

Man, this side of the city, the right turn lane doesn’t mean anything here.
Stop in the store right before the office, and grab your breakfast pastry and redbull or rockstar or monster or whatever it is you drink  just before lunch to give yourself jitters. walk up to pay and notice that you are 15 people back. Seems the local lawn care crew is there in 4 trucks.  Seriously, a bunch of dudes under 5’7″ should not be wearing light blue shirts with white writing. and yes the guy with the white beard really makes you wish one was a blond girl. Man I want to buy these guys white hats.
Finally leaving the store 2 minutes from the office and already 7 minutes late.
And someone let the herd out. Jeez. Stores should be further away from red lights.

Made it to the office, worked way through crowd of people who you work with but will never know but for some reason they always stand RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR to talk in the mornings. Start coffee because none of these people feel like they are allowed to, or just can’t figure out water and crush black stuff.

Half way through eating your breakfast pastry you finally take a look to see why it tastes so weird.

Okay day is off to a great start. It’s better than yesterday at least.

Just a day at the Office

My sinus is flipping out. so…
Walked to the drug store and back, on way back as I got near the entrance to the building, lady cuts across my path scurrying to finish her cigarette and put it i the ashtray. I hold my breath as I walk past because she is blowing puffs as she steps..

I get to the door, the lady sprints as if I am going to let this smelly woman walk in front of me. I do push it open really wide behind me. She has this confused look as if she is too weak and fearful to open a damn door by herself. I continue on my way. she turns left at the mailboxes but stops and watches me push the button on the elevator. She scurried to ride with me on the elevator.
GRRRRRR STINKY GO CHECK YOUR DAMN MAIL!!!

So she gets on the elevator . I am holding my breath. just 4 floors. I can still smell it anyway. She smelled like she was currently smoking in the elevator. So she must have put away quite a few of them in her 5 minute break.
but now she’s trying to start a conversation. I mean come on.. it’s just 20 seconds. what can we possibly talk about? let me hold my breath.

She exits at the third floor I slightly smile and wave. (actually I recently realized that smile looks insane so I try not to do it). I continue up to the fourth floor.
I exit the elevator, while 4 (ZOMG STRIPPER CHEERLEADERS) females (I assume are coming from the rehabilitation office that we share a floor with ) push past me into the elevator, then they all look at me with disgusted faces and one says out loud “Nasty, why do rednecks still do that?”

I was already mad.

I turned to her and said “To chase off the drug addict skanks”.

It’s the whole carelessness/cluelessness of the lady. Totally inconsiderate and expecting me to go out of my way to be kind to her?
That’s the big problem these days. Everyone expects someone else to “be the better man”.
Well.. screw that I’m not going to be the only “better man” there is.

Work Place Pretty

pretty_at_work_only
pretty at work only

Elemental pretty. It’s that state of sexy that a woman becomes when she is the prettiest person with in a small throwing distance.

Back in 1998-1999 I worked for a Wal~Mart in Spring Texas. It was the worst time of my life. I mean the work was nothing, I just had sunk to the lowest in my life. I was working for some $9 an hour chump with a superiority complex, who worked for some $11 an hour woman who tried to push herself off as some executive queen. Meanwhile she was getting people raises that didn’t deserve them, and giving special attention to the two laziest, employees in the business. One of them was a fairly nice guy, the other was apparently hurt in some accident. He was cross eyed really bad, and would point with his index finger and pinky, pointing in separate directions. Not a good idea to ask him where things go. They were both dumb and worthless. They carried a walkie and could be found in the storage area at anytime (if not in the break room) Sitting somewhere telling stories to each other. The walky was for warnings when someone above the manager (who favored them) was walking into the building.

There was one girl that all of the Eminem bleach haired overnight suburban white gangsters had fallen in love with. She worked our electronics section of our Wal~Mart. I wasn’t particular entertained by much about her. She had a hairy face, and the blue contacts looked gray on her brown eyes, it was kind of dumb looking. But one day I decided I would give it a go. Maybe to show the “Pimps”  (all of the pale kids who wanted to sound more Gangsta) how a man entertains a woman.  as I walked up to her, I found myself thinking “WTF are you doing??? She works at wal~mart and is not attractive at all” and lost my nerve. I stood in front of her and said “um-uh”. So….. now she thinks she is so dang pretty, she made me crumble. She rolled her contacts and flipped her hair and walked away laughing. I stood there….. dumb. Lost for words. I didn’t want to be the lesser person and tell her why I was about to do what I failed at.

Now anyone who knows me, knows that I like computers. Electronics is where the computers are. In those days, I was making my $5.50 an hour and wishing I could save money for a video card for my lump of junk computer. The video card was on the top shelf in the back of the electronics department. I kept walking back there when no one was around, and would push the video card back behind other products, because… well.. one day I was going to have the extra $90 to buy it. I was always scared that wal~mart would stop carrying computer parts, since they seemed to never sell anything except cd cases from the computer area. So I would hide the video card.

Well a couple times I would come back out of there, and there she is. Me looking like I just did something sneaky, gave the sneaky vibe. To her, it was a creepy vibe. Well one day I decided I would offer an apology  and bring her a flower.  Well that wasn’t rational thinking. Rumors and an overblown ego, now she reported me to the manager. Crap!!!

I quit that job the next week.

I did buy that video card. It was junk.

Look. Don’t hit on the girl at work. If she isn’t hitting on you, don’t hit on her. She isn’t interested. If you throw an unwarranted flirt out to someone who is not interested, you are not going to have good results. On top of that, she is only pretty with in a small vicinity.  Find someone outside of the work place who is interested in you. I promise that the ugliest you can find outside of the work place, will be prettier than what you find with in the work place. Especially if it’s wal~mart.
Understand that being pretty only at work, is going to be ugly outside of work. You hit on her while you work, you are going to hate it when you get her alone away from work. When you change the element and she is no longer pretty, you are going to treat her that way (eventually) and that will make for a rough time when you do get back into the work environment.

So DON’T do it!

That dang Coworker

We all have That dang Coworker that gets you upset about stuff that you can never explain.
I have that coworker. (I can’t type coworker without thinking Cow Orker… what the heck is an orker?)
You know y, that one coworker who just does not agree to work with anyone. If you bring to her, items that are her job she treats you like you are smacking her with a stick and telling her to work harder.

There is a lady in the shipping department here at our office. You have plans or OEM Manuals (instruction booklet with warranties)  that you have to send out to the customer or contractor, who might not be local to your region, you go to her and she ships the content for you. Simple right? Nope. She will say ” Can’t ! Come back when you have it right”. and you are left puzzled. You did all of your part. Why is she making it weird?. So you come back 5 times after you fixed something here and there that she probably doesn’t even realize is being done. and you say “WHY? WHY CAN’T YOU SHIP THIS?”. She replies ” I don’t have an envelope that fits those”. %^#$%^. You see a plethora of envelopes of all sizes around her. You grab (within her arm reach) the first one and stuff your items in it, put an address on the envelope and hand it to her she says “see, now was that so hard?”. @$%^$#%.

But she … She…. She is shipping and receiving, and you are manuals. Why are you now the package stuffer and libeler so she can just call the local shipping company and have them haul it off?

She wonders why her butt is so big.

Lazy, waste of desk space.

Worst Cubicle Ever

Maybe this isn’t, Maybe this is…. The worst cubicle ever
Here at the office we have many of  a different crowd of people. We have our country boy, we have our (possibly still part time) ex-stripper , we have our resident geeks, the musician, the mother of what seems like 20 babies, we have the girl who part times as a”representative” Actually she is the person who stands around in grocery stores advertising different snacks. and then…. and then we have this guy.

This is not the section of the building we store our unused items. Look at the prime location, corner of the room nearest the window. Here’s the size of our Office Space

So… This guy is a fricken rat. I mean he doesn’t stink up the office but he sure is a messy dude.
And yes that white bottle holds lotion in it.
Have you seen a cubicle worse than this? Maybe this isn’t what you would call the worst cubicle in the world, but to me it is the worst cubicle I have ever seen.
The boxes, are full junk, like thrown out tabs, the outer pages of spiral notebooks once the inner paper is removed. How does someone get to where their cubicle can be such a junk pile ?
Funny thing, no one goes into his office space just because they have no need to be near his cubicle. But me being the IT guy, I have to go there like twice a week.

His Garbage can is completely empty. My coworkers do not understand why I am amazed by this.

Foreman Confidence

You ever notice that when someone is allowed to control the way other people handle actions, they suddenly think of themselves as being a bit more invincible? Like when you watch those top model shows. You see these flaming tacky gay guys who dress as gaudy and horrible as possible with neon hair garter belts over their overalls with their socks on the outside, being rude to these beautiful models yelling at them and convincing them they know beauty better than the ladies. We all know the guys got the job because they are friends with someone. Clearly. So do the potential models. but to get to where they need to be, they treat these dudes like everything they say is the holy water that saves them.
Well a manager in a burger place can be the same thing to the people who have to work under their command. The manager at a gas station usually is that way. We all know that the person who usually gets elected to management or anywhere out of the role of the working employee, usually is the one who was worse at the job than anyone. They are a friend of someone who sees them “struggling” so the friend offers them help and sticks them in a position that a monkey can do “sit here, put on your meany face and tell them no when they ask for anything”.

Well I have noticed that while working in an office for a company that has a few managers that come and go out of the office, managers who are over specific fields in the industry, they will actually put on their “look at me, this is my meany face, don’t make me put on my tough guy face” expressions no matter what you say to them. It’s at that point I would like to trip the asshat, Tea bag with a slightly winded double dip and inform them that I do not work for them and they do not work for me and we do not work in the same field, so breaking them would quite entertaining and give me plenty to laugh about for the next few days.

Foreman Confidence – False Sense of Pride. There are other methods that work. The latter is for the small minded fool who is too ignorant to try other methods until something works.
Well to help you people make it to a better management time and  smoother class of employees in a work atmosphere that exceeds your current experience, the magic word for you is , “Morale”.  Morale can go a very long way. Eject anyone who breaks morale, and you now have respect. Simple as that. No threats. No stupid faces. Just increase morale to increase productivity. If one person steps away from or tries to deflect Morale, you eject them. If someone breaks productivity, you eject them. You replace them. High Morale means High respect and desire to keep everyone happy and leads to good productivity. Bad or low productivity is a direct reflection of low morale. FYI incintives do not create morale unless the incentives are produced by fellow employees. Incentives introduced by management turn into compensation or a form of wage, probably best not to even consider a leather jacket lotto.

I do understand that some employees will try and hard ball their way into not having to work. This in turn pretty much treats the manager like a punk. Again, it’s just a bluff. Just like the manager, it’s just a bluff. They both don’t want anything to come of them being a jerk, other than intended plans. Everything else would be beyond their expectations. I have no idea why anyone does either. Does it make this little three minute window, a tad bit better? Do you know that might be upsetting someone else? Do you live you life thinking no one ever flies off the handle that the jails are only full of bad people and never provoked people? “Doubt” is the fools science. but then again. by the odds, it’s one in every 3000, at best that snap and just break the office jerk. Or at least try.

Just something I noticed about people in charge in the office, in the field and in retail. There is this false sense of pride thing that says if you act like a jerk, people under your watch will respect you.

How do you handle this person at work? what do you do to make this person in your work place stop making your job suck so bad? Without trying to act tougher than you are, or without acting tough to someone who does not even want to try and be that way towards you? Would it be wise to let them know how you feel about their actions? They probably wouldn’t believe you.

Do We Need Office Meetings

Some office meetings are a must. but Many are completely unnecessary.

The meeting that helps you discover what it takes to resolve an issue, is a meeting that you know and everyone knows is a must.

The meetings that you hold every Tuesday of every single week to “hammer out complications” makes your employees dependent on a group effort to problem solve. This keeps your employees from figuring things out for themselves and makes your employees start counting on everyone else to basically do their work for them. This time that is spent in the meeting full of sales people, is time that your sales people could be out making sales. This is time that your sales people could be gathering new customers and clients. This is time that your employees could be spending getting important things done.
Maybe a once month meeting can solve issues. A once a week meeting only causes laziness and problems from laziness. Sure it keeps you in the loop of topics they chime in on, but that stuff is never going to help YOU. The chiming in is only the things that have the employees upset with someone else, or a deflecting method to prevent you from uncovering their own personal flaws.

There are people who work, and there are people who sit around talking about working.

 

 

Strike Of The Office Mooch

Does every office seem to have a local mooch? We have one. He is the guy that is rude to everyone unless he needs something. Out of nowhere ” Hey like what you did with the office here it’s looking really good, Would you happen to have a dollar? I need a soda and well, I left my wallet at home after I bought my kid a new pair of shoes online” or some bum story.

The guy that if you leave food in the fridge, he steals it. The guy that knows that your money is not magical and you have your life and you cut your budget so you can get the nicer things, while he smokes or snorts what ever he does and wastes his money.

Where I work, we have an employee who purchased a carrot cake or cheese cake from a girl that works here. For her daughter’s event or fund raiser. He paid like $15 for the cake and it was around about 1/2 lbs. Must have been good. The female he bought the cake from dropped off the cake on Friday while the guy who paid for it was not here. The guy came in on Monday. No cake. Nope. No cake.

We all know who it was. The owner is the last to get this. He still does not believe us. Since the guy is such a hustler and a mooch the boss just thinks the guy has the biggest desire to achieve his goals and better his life. And since he hasn’t touched the bosses food or belongings, then there is no possible way he could be a thief or a mooch.

I myself have a change jar I keep what ever change I have so I can use the soda machine when I feel like it. The jar is hidden in the back of my drawer with this fake wall in front of it so the jar is hard to see. Came in one day after lunch and decided I wanted to go grab a soda downstairs at the machine. Opened my drawer, the fake wall was just laying in the drawer and all of the silver was picked out. Every little bit of it. Me I am not shy when angry, walked straight to the boss and told him what happened and who I know did it. The boss tried to suggest it was the cleaning crew. No. way to brasin..

So. Think it’s illegal to Choco coat a bran muffin with Ex~Lax and leave it in the fridge? I mean I have  been feeling blocked up and well, it would be nice to eat the thing right after I leave work on a day when I don’t feel just right. This way I can clear up all issues.

Would be nice to have the mooch not show up for a few days.

Or even better, leave a note at the bottom of a Muffin that says something gross.

Would like to see the company set up a camera somewhere. When we bust the guy, I would love to make it his screen saver and background. and then run through the building setting all of the computers that way.

Sure sounds evil. but so is theft.No one steals stuff thinking it is ok or justifiable. You always have some sort of guilt. Or you feel as if your means are greater than theirs and you deserve what they earned. Equal Justice is fair.

Have a great Team

Retail Management verses office employees Boat Race

The management of a gas station chain and the team of office employees decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The office employees won by a mile!

The Management team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Coast Guard management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant’s finding: The office employees team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the Management team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the retail management team. As race the day neared again the following year, the retail management team’s management structure was completely reorganized.

The flawless company overhaul consisted of: two district steering managers, three area steering managers two general steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentives. (Like a new button on their shirt, a discount on their shirt and name tag.)

The race is over, the office employees won yet again!!!

Humiliated, the gas station retail management laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Jhis was actually just a joke and meant to be funny, yet food for thought. Welcome to retail.